How You Do Life Is How You Do Business

If you’ve been on my email list for more than 2 days, you’ve seen that on the first of every month there’s an opportunity for free consulting. Usually 30-40 spots open up and are claimed within minutes (which totally makes me feel like Bono, or whoever the kids are listening to these days).  

Let me tell you about the hate-mail I get about this:

Every month, without fail, at least one person sends me an email along the lines of “there’s nothing available and you should have more open for people” or “why did you send an email out with no actual slots available?” They almost always end with “unsubscribe me!”

Do I mention that they fill up in minutes in the email? Why yes, I do. Do I let folks know another opportunity will come around the next month? Uh huh.

Now, this is not to be confused with the 20-30 emails I get saying something like, “It doesn’t look like there are slots available. Can that be right?” or “Can you sign me up?” Those folks are kind and curious and didn’t read the email word for word. I read very few emails word for word so no judgment here.

Anyway, here are my knee jerk assumptions about this brand of hater:

They encounter a lot of roadblocks. That could be a chicken and an egg deal, but at this point they’re looking for evidence that people are bad or disappointing.

They anger easily and lash out.  ‘Cause really, let’s all take a breath and understand that not getting a free offer is disappointing, but nothing to lose your shit over. Probably there’s other stuff going on in life, but lashing out at a stranger on the internet in any context should be an indication that you should be looking inward.  

There may be a smidge of entitlement. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory.  

Here’s my fear for their private practice:

To build a successful practice you need to be resilient and flexible. Not all the time, mind you, but it’s something to strive for even if, like me, you are sensitive and tend toward the rigid.

To build a successful practice you have to be hopeful. Again, not always, because we’re human. Looking for evidence that things are going well is much more likely to serve you.

To build a successful practice you need to be diplomatic. Speak your mind, yes, but think it through first. Make sure you’re taking a stand on things that matter and are consistent with who you are or want to be in the world.

To build a successful practice you need to understand that the world doesn’t owe you anything. You are not owed success or referrals or wealth or your dream practice. You have to work for that shit and most of the work is managing anxiety and resistance.

Here’s how I feel about their demand to “unsubscribe” them:

Happy to! 100% totally happy to! I want people on my list who are good fit. Just like you don’t need to say “yes” to every client who calls, I don’t want poor-fit people clogging up my lists lovely energy.

Haters gonna hate, right? (Taylor Swift! That’s who they’re listening to, right?!)

Here’s how I respond:

Depending on how nasty the email is, sometimes I open a Google Doc and write some um… frustration-clearing sentences.

Once that’s out of my system I think about what I want them to know. In the future I’ll just email them this blog post, but the last really barbed email I received was sent this reply (she accused me of not actually having any available and just enjoying wasting people’s time):

“As I wrote in the email these fill up in a matter of minutes. There's only time for about 30-40 of them a month since they're free, after all.  

I encourage you to consider alternative explanations to why you might not be getting what you want. Jumping to the conclusion that they were not available to begin with is an unfortunate perspective that I hope you don't carry into other areas of your life. There's a lot of good out there in the world.

I will unsubscribe you as requested after I send this. I wish you well and hope you get the practice you want.

Best,

Allison”

Because maybe she’s walking around with the workplace trauma many of us have faced. Because she was probably drawn to this field to be of service just like me. Because that behavior and those assumptions aren’t going to serve her. My friend, Jane, who I always share hater stories with laughed, “Ha, you just therapied her.” Damn straight. She didn’t get a free consultation for her business in the way she’d hoped, but she did get some free advice.

Before you assume you’re safe from your own stories

We’ve all got rules about our worlds that are keeping us from what we want in life and in business. One I struggle with is that I have to work really hard to be worthy of what I have. I could literally work 15 hours less per week and probably impact as many people and make the same amount of money. It’s entirely my own shit (and I’m working on it, I swear). Look at your most frequent complaints to find your story. Are you always tired, busy, demotivated, uninspired, unappreciated? Check in to see how your story is impacting your life and your business.

Have you identified one? Own it in the comments so we can support you in shifting it.

P.S. I told some of you that the free consulting would go out at noon. I got on autopilot and scheduled it for 6am. On a Saturday. Pretty brutal. Sorry to lead you astray.

 

Allison Puryear is an LCSW with a nearly diagnosable obsession with business development. She has started practices in three different states and wants you to know that building a private practice is shockingly doable when you have a plan and support. After retiring her individual consultation services, she opened the Abundance Party, where you can get practice-building help for the cost of a copay. You can download a free private practice checklist to make sure you have your ducks in a row, get weekly private practice tips, listen to the podcast, hop into the free Facebook Group. Allison is all about helping you gain the confidence and tools you need to succeed.

Categories

13 comments

Allison Puryear
Staff
 

Thanks, Wesley! It's all grist for the mill. It makes me even more grateful for the people I consider my real community. :)
Read more
Read less
Allison Puryear
Staff
 

I have a mantra "You don't have to work so hard." I say that and "There's time for everything important" like 20 times per day. Glad to know I'm in good company!
Read more
Read less
Allison Puryear
Staff
 

Thanks, Stacey! I do feel appreciated 99.9% of the time. I think these haters keep me from taking that for granted. And thanks, those few lines of response probably took me 10 full minutes (which is a lot for so few words) :)
Read more
Read less
Allison Puryear
Staff
 

Ouch! Rock bottom sounds gratuitous! How about the anxiety as you start counts as "paying dues." That's my hope, anyway. Glad you're working through it, Kara. You're awesome and I don't want you to struggle unnecessarily.
Read more
Read less
Allison Puryear
Staff
 

I'm so glad you're setting boundaries, Gwendolyn. As a people pleaser myself, saying "no" is harder for me than just saying yes... until I get resentful and exhausted. So high five to us for doing the hard thing for our greater good (and ultimately the greater good of our clients and families).
Read more
Read less
Allison Puryear
Staff
 

I've worked with a few people who were pastors' kids or missionaries' kids. It seems like the money shame is so ingrained amongst folks of certain denominations/sects. Here's my take: Money is the Power to Do. With money you can help fund the causes you believe in. You can be of service not just with your time and energy, but also with your checkbook. Personally, I'd rather work less and make more. I can give more that way. I love the phrase "you can always make more money but you can't make more time." I love that I can spend more time with my family and, instead of working for a dysfunctional nonprofit like I used to, I can give money to the cause that made me interested in counseling to begin with. Hmmm... I feel a blog post idea brewing...
Read more
Read less
Allison Puryear
Staff
 

Love that you found a reframe, Jennifer! And that you're aware that the accurate stories are the positive ones!
Read more
Read less
Allison Puryear
Staff
 

Erin, this is so perfectly timed. I actually just sat down at a coffee shop after having a 30 min conversation with the barista. I had a nagging "you're supposed to be working" thought while we talked and then remembered that connection is what I'm here on this earth for and that work can wait a minute. I used to ignore my Organic Self for the sake of efficiency and called it "having boundaries with my time." I'm only recently realizing that the big picture is the primary picture. The minutia can wait. Get out there! I'll be cheering you on!
Read more
Read less
Allison Puryear
Staff
 

Yes, Brooke! And in owning your story I have no doubt your positive career changes will come smoother and sooner. Sometimes it takes some negativity for us to realize we aren't actually stuck in a shitty place. Can't wait to hear that you've moved on!
Read more
Read less
Allison Puryear
Staff
 

Yay, Katerina! You give me a call when you get your first hater and we'll talk about it!
Read more
Read less
Allison Puryear
Staff
 

Yay!! "I therapied myself" is awesome! A little ugly we can handle, especially when it leads to something so great!
Read more
Read less
Allison Puryear
Staff
 

I use my "You don't have to work so hard" reminder post its a lot. We're worthy. We're already doing a lot, no matter how many hours we put in. High five on being enough. We've got this, Sarah.
Read more
Read less
Allison Puryear
Staff
 

I agree. And it's great practice for our emotion regulation skills. ;)
Read more
Read less